New low…not in a good way

I’ve never cried at a picture of myself…until today.

I don’t quite understand it. I’ve been fat my whole life. It’s not like it’s a surprise. I don’t avoid cameras. I’ve seen lots of pictures of myself. I’ve even been at my current weight (plus or minus a bit) for a while now, so it’s not like my current body is a shock. But there I was…crying over a picture of myself, ashamed of my body.

The ride we did on Sunday had professional photographers at a few points along the route, and the pictures showed up today. I went to look at mine. And cried.

I think it’s because I’ve been feeling like such a badass this season…in fact I supposed to blog tonight about reaching 1000 miles on Dailymile. For the first time, we trained all season…seriously trained. We set a goal that I wasn’t sure I could make, and I did it…50 miles. Yay us! (Of course, as soon as I try to be proud about that, the negative self-talk kicks in: sure, you did 50 miles, but you did it at a snails pace. Need to figure out how to get rid of that.)

But looking at that picture, of me on the bike, just took away all my good feelings. I look so fat. I mean, again, not a surprise, but it just hit me how ridiculous I look on my bike. If this is how others see me out there, its a wonder I don’t hear more laughter.

Now, I’m not bitching about just a few extra pounds…this is my first time admitting this on this blog, but I’m more that 100 pounds overweight. And I could see every one of those extra pounds.

I’m trying to turn this around, trying to tell myself that making these goals with all that extra weight makes them all the more impressive…how many morbidly obese women are our there doing 50 miles on the trail? Instead I’m still crying.

1 Comment

  1. Sweetie said,

    September 22, 2010 @ 9:22 pm

    Honey, who gives a shit?
    You are in the best shape of your life. You eat well. And your body is doing things that most bodies – thin OR fat – can’t do. Having been both creepy skinny and almost 100 pounds overweight, I can tell you that there is nothing my body can’t do now that it couldn’t do then (that’s all the fault of the swelling! Oh, and I’m really lazy, and was then too. But I digress.)
    I know you want to lose weight, and you know that I support you in any journey that you undertake. But don’t let body hatred ruin what is one of the biggest things you’ve ever done. Until you hit that 100, I consider this in the top three: landed a good husband, got your PhD even though you were good and bloody sick of science, and 50 miles. My heart is bursting with pride, and I love YOU, no matter what the package.

RSS feed for comments on this post